Saturday, October 10, 2009

Draupadi: The Day of the Jackals 2


Continued from …1

Her women brought her news of what was happening in the dice hall.

Shakuni was playing on behalf of Duryodhana. Yudhisthira had stated this was against the rules of the dice but had agreed to play anyway.

And then Yudhisthira had lost the first wager: A necklace made of rare pearls from the depths of the sea. The very best of Yudhishthira’s necklaces.

And then he had lost the second wager: His inexhaustible treasury of gold and silver, countless boxes, each filled with a thousand gold coins.

And then he had lost the third wager: His royal chariot, equal to a thousand chariots, which runs with the speed of the wind, producing a roar like that of a sea in fury, drawn by eight snow-white horses, selected from among the very best in the world.

And then a fourth wager: A hundred thousand young, beautiful serving girls, all in their early youth, each decked in gold and other ornaments, each a mistress of the sixty-four arts that please men.

And then a hundred thousand young serving men…then a thousand mighty elephants with gold girdles and ornaments…a thousand special chariots with gold flagpoles…all the peerless Gandharva, Tittiri and Kalmasha steeds Arjuna had won from Chitraratha…ten thousand more chariots…sixty thousand selected soldiers…wealth in millions and trillions…countless cows, bulls, horses, goat, sheep…all his lands, cities, the whole country, all his subjects…the ornaments on his brothers…

And then he had said: “I now wager my Sahadeva.”

And lost him.

And then he had said: “I now wager my Nakula.”

And lost him.

And then he had said: “I now wager my Arjuna.”

And lost him.

And then he had said: “I now wager my Vrikodara.”

And lost him.

And then he had wagered himself.

And lost himself.

“I have nothing more left to wager,” he had said.

“Of course you have,” Shakuni had reminded him. ”You have the beautiful princess of Panchala, your wife.”

And he had wagered her.

Yudhisthira had wagered his wife Krishnaa Draupadi in the game of dice.

The kings who had been specially invited for the game as guests were in utter shock. The elders of the Kurus and the acharyas were in utter shock. ”Shame, shame,” they muttered.

Then silence prevailed in the assembly. The whole assembly sat in silence, stunned, stupified. Even the Dhartarashtras, Duryodhana and his brothers and his friend Karna, were silent. Even they could not believe this had happened.

The world seemed to have come to a shocked silence.

Then the silence was broken by the excited, whispering voice of Dhritarashtra. He was asking the same question he had asked each time Yudhisthira had wagered something.
“Has the wager been won yet?”

And then the sound of the dice falling was heard, followed by the booming voice of Shakuni declaring once again, “Lo, I have won it.”

O0O

When the old pratihari came, Krishnaa was ready.

She hadn’t expected this.

She had expected Yudhisthira to lose all his wealth and prepared herself to it. She had expected Yudhisthira to lose all their possessions and prepared herself to it. She had expected Yudhisthira to lose their kingdom and prepared herself to it.

But she hadn’t expected her husband to wager his brothers. She hadn’t expected him to wager himself.

And she hadn’t expected him to wager her.

But still she was ready.

Her world had collapsed completely around her. She had been beaten. Beaten beyond her wildest fears. She hadn’t imagined even in her worst nightmares what Yudhisthira had done to her.

But she was going to maintain her dignity to the end. She the sacrifice-born daughter of king Drupada, the wedded wife of the five Pandavas, was going to keep her dignity to the end.

She was ready.

“Go back and ask them if I was wagered before my husband lost himself or after that,” she told him.

“Ask the slave to come here and ask the question herself,” came the reply.

“Go and ask the gambler if he lost me before he himself became a slave or after it.” She sent the pratihari back again.

O0O

And then Dushshasana himself came.

There was intoxication in his eyes – the intoxication of victory. There was rapture in his eyes – the rapture of victory.

And there were other feelings in them. Feelings that terrified her. Feelings that sent shivers down her spine. Feelings that drained all energy away from her body.

Lust. Raging lust. Madness. Raving madness. Insanity. Evil. Vicious evil. Depravity.

Degeneracy. Hunger. Shameless, depthless, insane, fiendish hunger.

His were eyes from the dark depths of hell where nothing was sacred, nothing was forbidden.

Terrified she joined her palms before her and pleaded.

Those palms had never before been joined together in abject misery. They had never been joined together like this except in prayer to the almighty and in homage to the elders.

Terrified, she joined her palms together and pleaded to be left alone. And in her agony, in her utter helplessness, mentioned the unmentionable. “I am in my season,” she confessed. “See, I am clad in a single piece of cloth.”

“Season or no season, clad in a single piece of cloth or no cloth at all, I’m taking you to the hall,” she heard the booming voice declaring.

Terrified she turned around and fled. Fled towards the chambers in which lived the other ladies, the ladies of Dhritarashtra’s household.

She heard the sound of running feet behind her and fled like a streak of lightning – a streak of sparkling, dark lightning.

Primal fear gave her wings. That most ancient of a woman’s fears.

But then a powerful hand caught her. Caught her by her hair trailing behind her and pulled her and dragged her towards the door. And then across the door. And across corridors. And across open spaces. While she fought and pleaded. While she begged and screamed. While she tried to hold to herself her cloth that was slipping away again and again.

The wind was still again. Dark clouds had covered the sky. A shocked sun had disappeared from the firmament. Darkness covered the earth – sinister darkness.

And the powerful man dragged the helpless woman on, holding her by her hair.

O0O

She was in the hall now. She looked at her husbands.

There was terror in her eyes. There was pleading in her eyes. And there was fire in her eyes.

Not one of the five pairs of eyes faced hers.

Not one word was spoken by any of the five mighty men she had wedded in the five ceremonies that were performed on five successive days in Kampilya, with fire as their witness.

Kshatta’s was the only voice of protest. He was asked to keep quiet or get out.

“Slave, slave,” shouted Dushshasana as he began dragging her again towards the slave quarters.

“The ways of dharma are too subtle,” said Bhishma in a voice which she noticed was quaking for the first time. “I am not able to decide what is right and what is wrong.”
Krishnaa’s soul wept.

And her mind revolted. Reviled. Subtle are the ways of dharma indeed! A woman is brought dragged by her hair into the middle of that august assembly and for Bhishma subtle are the ways of dharma.

For this, Grandfather, you shall pay with your life!

It doesn’t matter that woman is a princess whose face even the sun and the moon hadn’t seen before. It does not matter that the only occasion that woman has been seen by men other than her husband was on the day she stood up in her swayamvara hall to choose a husband for herself. It does not matter that that woman is in her monthly period and clad in a single piece of cloth. It does not matter if that woman is your own vadhu, a bride of the Bharatas, and you are the senior-most Bharata present here. It does not matter she is your granddaughter-in-law. It does not matter that her own husbands and their cousins are sitting and watching, apart from invited kings from several countries.

Let her be just a woman. Any woman. And a man had brought her dragging her by her hair into the middle of the assembly. A man was forcing his will upon a woman in public.

You are a kshatriya.

And you don’t know what dharma is! You don’t know your dharma!

You don’t know if she is a slave or not. So you don’t know your dharma!

What if she is a slave? What then?

Isn’t your dharma clear even if she were a slave?

For this, Grandfather, son of Shantanu, you shall pay with your life.

And all posterity will call you a coward.

A confused, old, helpless coward, afraid of his own evil grandson.

Krishnaa looked at Acharya Drona and the great guru avoided her eyes. For he knew what his dharma was and yet did not have the courage to stand up for it.

For this cowardice of yours, great acharya, you shall pay with your life.

Krishnaa looked at Acharya Kripa and the acharya sat with his eyes fixed at his feet. For he too was but a coward deep in his heart and dared not to speak. Krishnaa’s eyes would enter his soul through his eyes and find the coward hiding there, Kripa knew.

One by one Krishnaa’s eyes sought the eyes of all the elders in the assembly and none had the courage to face the eyes of this pleading, innocent woman who was being humiliated by a bunch of wicked men in the middle of that august assembly. Cowards they all were – one and all.

It was then that the voice of justice spoke through a totally unexpected mouth – that of Vikarna, a younder brother of Duryodhana’s. Vikarna declared what was going on was evil and Draupadi was not a slave since she was wagered after Yudhisthira had lost himself.

The sabha applauded him.

But Karna called him a child and asked him to sit down, his mouth shut. When elders spoke children had no right to open their mouths.
B
ut where elders kept their mouths shut? This was not a case of elders speaking, but of elders keeping their mouths shut. Vikarna had spoken because none of the elders had responded to the pleadings of Krishnaa.

“The woman standing in our midst is a whore,” thundered Karna.

This was the most evil day in Karna’s life. Born noble, Karna was denied the privileges of birth and lineage. Fate had snatched them away from him. Yet he had triumphed over fate by his nobility, by his courage, by his generosity, by his mastery of archery. The whole world said this son of a charioteer was equal to Arjuna himself in his skill of archery, equal to Shibi in charity, the Sun himself in glory, and an equal to Indra in fearlessness. Yet today his behavior had sunk below the level of the common man on the street, below the level of a common drunkard watching a drunken squabble on the street. Today Karna was without nobility, without charity, without greatness. He had sunken into the lowest dust. There was not a noble bone in him today, no redeeming feature in his behavior. For what he was doing today, his ancestors shall forever be ashamed of him.

For his sins today, this friend of Duryodhana shall pay with his life.

For this, Karna, you will pay with your life.

“That woman there is a whore, a common whore,” declared Karna pointing his beautiful finger at Krishnaa. “She is a whore because she sleeps with five men. And any woman who sleeps with five men is a common whore.”

The Dice Hall was stunned.

“And I say, Dushshasana, take away even that single cloth she is wearing. For, she doesn’t deserve it. A slave has no claims to modesty. A whore has no claims to modesty either. And she is both a slave and a whore.”

The Dice hall couldn’t believe what it was hearing.

Krishnaa felt she could reach out and touch the hatred that filled the hall. It was like a physical presence. Evil, noxious, lethal, sinister, fiendish. The intensity of it sent shivers through her.

“Why the hesitation, Dushshasana?” roared Karna again. “Take that common whore’s cloth away. Denude that new slave of ours right here in the assembly.

The price for your words today, Karna, shall be death and eternal shame for you.

Dushshasana caught hold of Draupadi’s cloth and started pulling at it.

O0O

Continued …3

Draupadi: The Day of the Jackals


Her husband has been invited to a game of dice in Hastinapura. Invited by Uncle Dhritarashtra and his sons.

He knows their hearts are full of poison. They have recently gone back after spending time in Indraprastha where a glorious rajasuya had just been concluded. Duryodhana had stayed back along with his uncle Shakuni for a few days after the sacrifice was over. Yudhishthira had invited them to.

Not entirely out of charity, she knew, for, there was a purpose in Yudhishthira’s heart when he had invited them to stay back – insisted on it, rather.

Yudhishthira was proud. Proud of the wealth he had been able to acquire in a short while. Proud of the sabha hall he had Maya build for him. Proud of the tributes and gifts that had poured in ceaselessly from all corners of the earth. Proud of the homage kings from all over the world had paid him. Proud of the loyalty of his brothers. Proud of his beautiful wife Krishnaa. Proud of the gifts he had paid to the Brahmins. And proud of the feast he has been offering as part of the rajasuya.

Eighty-eight thousand snatakas had stayed with him during the entire period of the rajasuya and he had given each thirty serving women. Ten thousand other Brahmins were served their meals in plates of pure gold at the palace every day.

The list of kings who had come with gifts from every part of Aryavarta was endless. And those from beyond its borders who had either come in person or sent gifts included the Yavanas, the Romakas, the Chinas, the Shakas, the Vikings and others from across the oceans. Queues of kings who waited at the palace gates stretched for miles. Each had come with carts and elephants loaded with gifts.

The gifts included endless quantities of jewels, gold, gems, other precious stones…elephants, camels, horses, cows, donkeys, sheep… swords, scimitars, hatchets, battle axes, daggers, maces, bows and arrows…chariots, carts, other vehicles…hides of rare animals, priceless blankets inlaid with gold, rare silk…

The gift of the kings from the coastal regions was thousands of exquisite young girls from the Karpasika country, all slender-waisted, of luxuriant hair, decked in gold.

It was acknowledged openly: Yudhishthira’s wealth exceeded that of the Himalayas, the oceans, mines of gold and precious jewels and other regions abounding in wealth.

Yudhishthira was basking in glory. Duryodhana had already seen it during the rajasuya. But that was not enough for Yudhishthira. He wanted him to stay back and see it all for a while more. Be devastated by it.

True, perhaps Yudhishthira did not know this was the reason why he had requested his cousin and his uncle to stay back. Perhaps this was a secret hidden deep in his heart. Perhaps he thought he was just doing what he should do – the closest of relatives and friends were always asked to stay back for a few days more after the festivities were over. That was all he was doing.

But Draupadi could see the real reason clearly. After all, she was his wife. And knew him as no one else did. Knew him more thoroughly than his brothers knew. Knew him more thoroughly than perhaps even he himself knew. Knew him more intimately, more clearly, than he himself did.

Wives were so.

And she had seen the danger coming long before anyone else had.

Of course, as far as the Dhartarashtras are concerned, anything good happening to the Pandavas was wrong. Any happiness coming their way was wrong. Any respect paid to them by anyone was wrong. Well, as far as they were considered the very existence of Pandavas was wrong. Their cousins did not have even the right to exist.

So the rajasuya performed by Yudhishthira was wrong. Kings paying tributes to them was wrong. Their wealth was wrong. The sabha at indraprastha, which rivalled the sabhas of Indra and Kubera and Yama, was wrong. Brahmins praising them and blessing them was wrong. Charanas singing their glories was wrong.

For that there is no real solution. For such sickness of the soul, there is no solution.

But Draupadi knew beyond all these, Yudhishthira had made another error. A costly error. A very costly error. He had asked Duryodhana to be in charge of receiving the gifts pouring in from the thousand kings who wanted to please Yudhishthira.

And gifts had poured in as Duryodhana had never seen before. Endless rows of people waiting with gifts. Each with gifts carried by elephants and chariots. Gifts filled in boxes and bags. There seemed to be no end to the stream of gifts.

Duryodhana had to take rest several times a day, so exhausted was he just by receiving them. And yet the gifts kept pouring in. From the Keralaputras in the extreme south. From the Pragjyotishas in the east. From Gandhara and even beyond in the west. From the Himalayan kingdoms and lands beyond in the north. And from all over the land in between.

The gifts from the Yavanas, the Romakas, the Chinas, the Shakas, the Vikings – those faraway people – were as rich, as varied, and as unique as the people themselves were.

And Duryodhana was receiving it all.

Each gift sent a dart piercing deep into his heart. Each gift was an arrow shot deep into his innermost being. Each gift reduced the shine on his face. Until he turned dark. His whole being had turned black.

Krishnaa had seen that. And Krishnaa had seen danger in the eyes of Duryodhana every time their eyes met. Lightning flashes of danger.

Duryodhana had tried to hide it as best as he could. But he had always been poor at hiding his feelings. He was transparent.

If Yudhishthira had, albeit unconsciously, wanted to incite the jealousy of his cousin, he had succeeded totally.

And then the nephew and the uncle had gone back.

In their heart they had carried another memory from Indraprastha, too. A memory different from the memory of the wealth and glory of the Pandavas.

In the sabha Maya had made, Duryodhana had mistaken water for the floor and stepped right into it. And he had mistaken solid ground for water and lifted the hems of his clothes to walk through. He had bumped into solid walls where he thought he saw doors. And had sought for doors that were right in front of him, but which he had missed.

Maya’s sabha was a palace of illusions.

And every time he had made a mistake, laughter had accosted him from all sides. Mirth-filled laughter. Ridiculing laughter. Reverberating laughter. Laughter that went straight into his heart and drew blood.

Every time.

And, apart from the male laughter, there was also female laughter. The haunting, carefree laughter of Krishnaa. Exhilarated, enraptured laughter. Laughter that he felt defied him. Laughter that he felt made him look like a fool, like a child.

Krishnaa’s laughter was a storm throwing its defiant challenge to the mighty trees. Was a tidal wave rushing fearlessly to engulf the shore. Was the mountain brook dashing intoxicated against the mountain in its path.

Wild and intoxicating. Maddening.

Women shouldn’t laugh like that. They had no right to.

Perhaps he would have loved that laughter had its owner been his. Perhaps he would have adored it then. He would have bathed again and again it its glory – perhaps.

But she was not his.

She was theirs.

He had failed to make her his.

And she had not allowed Karna to win her for him either.

Karna could have won her for him. But she hadn’t allowed him to, not allowed Karna to. She had called him the son of the charioteer. Said she would not marry the son of a charioteer.

And then Arjuna had won her.

Arjuna who he had been sure was dead. Arjuna who he had been sure he had killed. Killed by setting fire to the house of lac in which he, his brothers and his mother were staying.

The Pandavas had escaped. Against all his calculations. And then appeared at Kampilya to frustrate his plans again.

To win her and make her theirs.

He had carried the memory of the laughter of the Pandavas in his heart back to Hastinapura. And he had carried the memory of her laughter in his heart.

Back to his home.

Back to his lair.

And Krishnaa had known danger was coming.

Coming soon.

O0O

And it had come very soon.

It came in the form of an invitation to a game of dice. A game of dice in the newly built hall at Hastinapura.

The hall had been built specifically for the game of dice.
And the Pandavas were invited to visit the hall and also to play a game of dice there.
Vidura, whom they called Kshatta, had brought the message.

“Don’t accept it,” Kshatta had said.

“It is a trap,” Kshatta had said.

Kshatta because of whom the Pandavas were alive today. Kshatta the only one who loved them and cared for them unreservedly in Hastinapura.

And Kshatta had said: “Don’t accept it. It is a trap.”

“But I have decided to accept it,” said Yudhisthira. “Yudhisthira does not reject an invitation to a game of dice. Not ever.”

“But the game will not be fair.”

“I know.”

“Duryodhana will cheat. Shakuni will cheat.”

“I know.”

“You will lose your kingdom. You will lose all you have made in these years.”

“I know.”

“They will rob you of everything and send you to the streets empty handed.”

“I know.”

All the four brothers tried to persuade their eldest.

They failed.

No one had ever been able to persuade Yudhisthira unless he wanted to be persuaded.

No one.

Krishnaa knew this.

Yet she tried to persuade him.

“Perhaps…perhaps…” she had thought.

Of course no one ever persuaded Yudhisthira unless he wanted to be persuaded.

O0O

And they had gone. Gone to Hastinapura knowing full well what was going to happen.

They had started on a gloomy day when the wind refused to blow and the sky seemed to be full of foreboding.

Krishnaa’s right eye had begun twitching as she got ready to start. Looking out she had seen a giant vulture perched on the flagpole. As they left the palace gates behind, a donkey had suddenly appeared from among the trees on one side and, braying incessantly, had crossed the royal path and bolted to the other side. Not far from the palace, they had come across a man carrying raw hide on his shoulders. A thousand crows on the trees lining the royal road had set up a cacophony.

She had seen evil omens all around her as they progressed.

But Krishnaa did not need evil omens to tell her what was going to happen.

She knew it. Knew it without a shadow of doubt.

She did not try again to persuade Yudhishthira not to proceed. She knew it was useless.

O0O

The reception they were given at Hastinapura was grand. An entire wing of the palace was given for their stay.

The brothers did not talk. Krishnaa did not talk. There was silence among them.

Music and songs filled the emptiness of their silences.

Duryodhana wanted them to be surrounded by music and dance. Surrounded by songs and celebrations. By festivities.

He had spared no efforts to make sure it was so.

Krishnaa discovered her monthly period had begun on arrival at Hastinapura. She quietly retired to the inner apartments.

She would be spending the next three days alone there.

Alone in the solitude of the inner apartments. Alone and lonely.

While her fate was decided in the dice hall. While her future was decided by her men.

By Yudhisthira, to be exact.

Or by Duryodhana and Shakuni, to be more exact.

But of course, there was nothing to decide.

She knew it. Knew it without a shadow of doubt.

O0O

In the morning she learned how the brothers had spent the night. Spent the most fateful night of their life.

After the evening feast was over and the brothers had entered their apartments, pleasure women had followed them into their chambers.

And these women had sung. And danced. And served them drinks. Long into the night.

And then these women, each an expert in the arts of love, had pleasured the brothers.

Pleasured them in ways only women of pleasure knew how to.

The night had been quite old when the brothers, exhausted, fell asleep.

Krishnaa did not say a word. She did not want to.

She did not want to see their faces.

She couldn’t have, of course. It was forbidden for women to look at their men, to be near them, to interact with them in any way, when they were having their periods, before they had had their ritual baths after their periods.

O0O

Continued …2

Ahalya’s Story: Parched Earth, Pouring Rain 2


Continued from …1

Life went on. The wheels of time rolled on.

It was one of those days that I first started looking at Indra with new eyes. He had come back to the ashram for a visit. One day I was sitting on a rock near the river where I had gone to fetch water when Indra came to the river for a swim. The sound of his diving into the water penetrated the world of my reveries and quickly turning my head in the direction of the sound, I noticed Indra rising up from the water.

For a moment I had a feeling I was looking at male beauty – male beauty personified.

I had seen Indra bathing in the river many times in the past. But never had he fascinated me like that.

Suddenly Indra seemed the centre of the universe. Everything seemed to revolve around him.

I was being drawn to him irresistibly, helplessly. My entire being clamored for him. Deep down within me I knew Indra was not my fulfillment but my death, my humiliation. I was being drawn into the vortex of some dark, abysmal non-existence from which nothing escaped. Indra was a whirlpool of darkness. And yet I wanted Indra. I wanted to be taken by him. I wanted to surrender myself to him, to be consumed by him, to be swallowed by him, to be annihilated by him, even as a moth offers itself to the burning fire at night.

Indra was now standing before me, his whole body wet, water dripping from his hair, from his chest, from his limbs. Magnificent Indra. Magnificent male.

Sadyasnata – freshly bathed, just bathed. The sadyasnata male is no less desirable to the female than the sadyasnata female is to the male, I discovered.
I looked up into his eyes. Long. Wordlessly. As he stood looking into mine.
And then I shook. Shook all over, a sudden fear possessing me, exulting fear, intoxicating fear, maddening fear, fear that at once made all my senses stop functioning and made all of them sharp as never before.

I had a feeling a word spoken would explode me. The sound of a leaf falling from the nearby tree and I would explode. The smallest movement and I would explode. I had become so intense that if he so much as stretched out his hand at me, I felt I’d explode into a million pieces.

Time stood still. The sun in the sky had stopped. The wind wasn’t blowing. I knew even the plants and trees around me, the grass around me, had ceased to grow, had ceased to breathe. As I had ceased to breathe.

The pulsation of life within me had ceased. And yet I had never ever been so intensely alive. An eternity lived in a moment.

And then I found myself getting up and walking away.

We hadn’t spoken a word.

But I knew I had been transformed by that moment. I had been made new. I had been made whole. I had suddenly become what I really was. A woman. Not in the physical sense, not in the social sense, not in the sexual sense that Gautama had made me. But in a spiritual sense, in an existential sense.

In that moment I metamorphosed once again. In that moment I received into me the agonies and ecstasies, the desires and cravings, the hopes, the passions of ten thousand generations of women. These had been poured into me.

I was now sufficient unto myself – whole, complete and sufficient. I felt healed – healed of all that was inflicted upon me since sage Gautama took me for a wife.
I felt like a virgin again – pure, sacred, inviolate. And inviolable.

Early the next morning, while the sage was away for his bath, Indra came to me. And I received him, took him into myself.

I did not feel I had violated anything by my taking Indra into myself. I did not feel I had wronged the sage in any way. I felt as though I had always been Indra’s – sage Gautama was the outsider, the intruder. Adultery was what the sage and I did together not what Indra and I did. Sin was what the sage and I did together. Our coming together was what was repugnant. But Indra and I belonged to each other. I felt I had always been waiting for him – even as the earth awaits the rains so that she could bathe in the ecstasy that inundates her and the seeds in her could sprout.

Indra came to me day after day while the sage was away for his morning bath and ablutions. He came to me at that sacred hour when the scriptures forbid men and women uniting – the brahma muhoorta. He came to me as the first rays of the sun reached to thrill the earth each morning, as the fore-glow began brightening the eastern sky. At the hour full of mystery and magic, the hour full of wonder, and he filled that hour with ecstasies.

I knew this could not go on. I knew we were bound to be discovered. I knew suffering would follow – unspeakable suffering. And yet we kept meeting morning after morning.

As days passed, a suspicion grew inside me. Did Gautama know what was going on? I had started observing subtle changes in him. The sage had begun to grow withdrawn. He was never very fond of talking, was always reserved, but he had always been more lively and cheerful when he was near me. I felt that he had not only been not talking to me as much as before, but had perhaps been avoiding me.

Were these changes real? Or was I imagining them? I did not know.
Besides, I myself had changed since that first encounter with Indra by the river. Maybe it was my dread of the sage, or maybe it was my guilt – but whatever it was, I had definitely begun to avoid Gautama.

I was now living in two worlds. One was a world of unrealities, in which I lived with Indra constantly. The time I spent with him each morning was short, but in that world of unrealities, I lived perpetually with him. It was a world of brightness, almost ethereal brightness, a world full of vivid colors, fantastic shapes, full of fervent touches and smells almost consuming in their intensity, a world of burning passions, fascinating emotions and feelings, a world filled with unbelievable ecstasies. The other was the world of realities that intruded into this world occasionally, though as a physical presence it was always there, far more real that the world I had brought into existence with Indra. It was a world that oppressed me, that made it difficult for me to breathe, a world from which I shrank away in horror, which I wanted to disappear, cease to exist, so that I would be liberated into the world of Indra and me for ever.

I knew the two worlds could not exist together for too long – one or the other had to end.

And then one day it happened. The sage was returning from his bath when some of his disciples told him: “How great you are, Master! Great indeed is the power of your austerities! You are standing here before us and yet you are inside with your wife!”

That is when I became Ahalya – the unploughable one. On the day his disciples told him that.

The sage’s curse.

Did he discover about Indra and me on that day? Or had he known it all along and was tolerating it, accepting it, admitting his failure to give me what I deserved, out of his guilt, acting only when his disciples taunted him about it? I never discovered. And, in any case, it did not matter any more.

The sage had already cursed me.

I accepted the curse. Deep in me, perhaps I was relieved. For I had always known the curse was coming. I had known it even before that first morning when Indra had come to me. I had known it that day when I sat on the rock and Indra stood before me, our eyes lost in each other’s.

Perhaps I wanted it to come – come as soon as possible, so that I would be relieved of the anxiety of waiting for it to strike me. Also, perhaps, the intensity of the world, the world in which I lived with Indra, had begun to frighten me. That was a life no woman could live for long, endure for long.

I became Ahalya. Ahalya – the unploughable. Earth that is cursed to be barren forever. Earth that receives no rains.

Perhaps I was relieved for another reason too. After Indra had touched me, had taken me, I did not want the sage to touch me anymore. Now he wouldn’t.

The sage cursed Indra too.

I did not receive rains anymore. The winds were the only thing that nourished me now. Hot winds. Dry winds. Moisture less winds.

I had become a desert. Uninhabited, neglected by men, forgotten by them, invisible to them.

I shall not touch you any more – that is what Gautama had said. I do not need you any more, that is what Gautama had said. Your presence is repugnant to me, that is what Gautama had said. Before he walked away leaving me behind. Before he went to the mountains for tapas.

He had declared me unfit for ploughing. And his declaration made me land unfit for ploughing. Accursed earth.

Repent, he had said. Purify yourself, he had said. Purify yourself through repentance and tapas, he had said. Purify yourself through your loneliness and suffering, he had said.

The creator had played a trick on me. The creator had dealt a blow to me, had betrayed me. He had given me to the man I considered my father all the years of my growing up. My beauty had been punished. My youth had been punished. My womanhood had been punished. All for no fault of mine. Except for that I was a woman, and beautiful.

Youth should be the reward of youth, not old age. Young life should unite with young life – not with old age.

I knew I had sinned by men’s standards. But my crime, my sin, was that I gave in to the longings of the young life in me, to its young cravings. What I had done was to answer the call of life from within me.

I searched deep within me – and I found no sin in me, no hala. They say ahalya also means without fault, impossible to find fault with, without blemish. I found it impossible to find fault with me. I was without blemish. Ahalya.

But I felt deeply guilty, too. True, the sage should not have taken me for a wife. Perhaps, he should have given me to Indra, who had always loved me. Or to someone else, maybe that emperor that the sage talked about when I was a child. Or to someone else. He should not have taken me for himself.

But I couldn’t help feeling guilty. For, I had betrayed him. He was my husband, whether I liked that fact or not.

So when the sage pronounced me guilty, made me ahalya, unploughable, I did not protest. I did not plead for myself. I accepted his curse. And I lay without receiving rains, subsisting on the winds, accursed earth where only barren winds blew. Fallow. Dead.

Until all longing for rains ceased in me. Until the earth in me no more thirsted for rains. Until Indra and our love became just a long ago memory.

By the time the two youths came to me I had become luminous, they say. I was lit up by the glow of my austerities, they say.

Suffering is a kind of penance. Self-denial is a kind of penance. Burning within is a kind of penance.

The two princes of Ayodhya were very young then. Two adolescents. Rama, the elder, was clearly the leader. It was he who had come and touched my feet first. And then Lakshmana did the same.

They were my first visitors in ages. The world had rejected me all these years.

And then they came. Life touched me once more. And I felt I was alive once again.

I welcomed them to the ashram and offered them hospitality. The ashram came alive once again.

And then Gautama too came back to me.

O0O

That was eons ago.

I am an old woman now. With no hungers of youth.

Gautama and I live quietly in our ashram. Two very old people. Sufficient unto ourselves.

At times when I think of my past I wonder if Indra ever was. Indra and all that followed.

I feel I have been living like this with the sage always.

Gautama and Ahalya – two very old people.

Gautama and Ahalya – the bright, scorching sun and the fallow, unploughable earth.

We were never made for each other. Though we were given to each other. Which, perhaps, was our tragedy.

In my old age, I often think of the worlds to come. This world, following Gautama, named me a sinner. But will I be treated as a sinner in those worlds too?

I do not know. But I know one thing. If they asked me there if I had lived the life that was given to me, if I had used that most precious gift of all and not thrown it away, if I had been true to my innermost instincts and impulses, if I had been true to my flesh and blood, if I had been true to the woman in me, then I’d say, with all honesty:

Yes, I have. Yes, I have. Yes, I have…

O0O

Ahalya’s Story: Parched Earth, Pouring Rain 1


I had always known Indra. I grew up watching him. He was one of the sage’s students. And I was the sage’s daughter. Or at least so I thought. For, I had known no father other than Sage Gautama. I had always thought I was born in the ashram, born to the sage. It was only years later that I discovered that this was not true, that I was only brought up by him.

The discovery disturbed me highly. And brought up a number of questions to my mind. Who, for instance, was my father then? Who was my mother? Why did they give me up? Or is it that something had happened to them? Where did the sage find me? An endless number of questions.

One thing I was sure of. That they hadn’t given me up. I was an orphaned child – not an abandoned child. To be an abandoned child was shameful – and too painful. No, I wasn’t that. I was orphaned. Something had happened to my parents and I was orphaned. And the sage had found me and brought me up.

One day I gathered the courage to ask the sage some of these questions. I overcame my awe of him and asked him the questions that were foremost in my mind. Who were my parents? Where did the sage find me?

How old was I when I raised that question? I do not remember. Maybe six, maybe seven. And the sage looked at me sweetly and smiled, treating me as he had always done – like a little baby. And he told me a story – not a word of which I believed, of course. It was the kind of story grownups always told children – especially a grandfather told a granddaughter.

The sage told me that I was created specially by Brahma, the creator. No, I was not born of man and woman. The creator chose all that is most beautiful in all creatures and out of that he created me. “That is why,” he told me, “you are the most beautiful child in the world. And when you grow up, child, you are going to be the most beautiful woman in the world. And I wouldn’t be surprised if the mightiest emperor in the world himself would be tempted by you.”

How prophetic the sage was!

Another time I pestered him, sitting in his lap and pulling at his long beard, with all his disciples watching, he told me that Brahma created one thousand women first – and from each of these women he selected the most beautiful part and out of these he formed me. And the sage added – “the one who gets you for a wife will be getting all that is best in a thousand women. He will be marrying a thousand women in fact.” And he laughed.

I, of course, never believed any of these stories and kept asking him the same questions again and again. He told me many more stories about my birth. Once he said I was the daughter of the earth. Another time he said I was the earth itself.
I never learnt who my parents were. What I came closest to believing was that I was the daughter of King Bhadryashwa and the Apsara Menaka.

But I doubted even that was just another story and the search for my parents – that is, the desire to know them, the question who they were, remained in my heart.

In those days I often asked Indra that question. We were friends then, though Indra was older to me, much older. I asked him if he knew who my parents were. And he too repeated the stories that the sage had told me. When I rejected one of the stories told by him, he told me another. And when I rejected that too, yet another – just as the sage did. And Indra too ended every story he told me with – “that is why you are the most beautiful girl in the whole world, and that is why when you grow up you are going to be the most beautiful woman in the whole world.”

And then he added: “And that is also why when you grow up I am going to marry you, make you my wife.”

I pushed him away from me when he said that. I was deeply embarrassed. Shy. Marriage was something every girl had to do – but a girl did not think of marriage before it was time for it and certainly I did not like Indra talking to me about it.
Indra finished his studies and left our ashram. It was only years later that I met him and by then I had become the wife of the sage whom I had looked upon as my father all my growing up years.

I had asked the sage how I could be his wife. I had asked him how he could have me for a wife when he had brought me up in his ashram and he had always treated me as a daughter – even as a granddaughter. And he said the creator, Brahma, had given me to him as a daughter when I was a child and he had looked after me as such. And now, he said, when I had become a woman, the same creator, pleased with his self-restraint, had given me to him as his wife. He had rewarded his self control towards me by giving me to him as a wife.

I wanted to ask Brahma if restraining oneself from one’s daughter, not being tempted sexually by one’s daughter, was an act of such merit that it deserved to be rewarded by giving the man the same daughter as his wife.

Besides, it was as though I had no say in these matters. That my opinions did not count. That my feelings did not count.

As though the creator could give me to whomever he wished – as a daughter to bring up, or as a wife. And if they so desired as both to the same man, one after the other.

And in any case, I did not believe this creator story, the story of the creator giving me to him as his wife, anymore than I believed the other story of the creator specially creating me and giving me to the sage for bringing up.

O0O

I do not know what a man feels about making one’s own daughter his wife. But I do know what a woman feels when she is forced to make her father her husband.
It is disgusting. It is revolting. It is obnoxious. It is against all that I hold sacred in life. Only animals do that.

The day he announced he was taking me as his wife obeying the order of the creator, something broke in me. I could feel it breaking in me – physically feel it, though I did not know what it was that broke in me.

Upanayana, it is said, gives a second birth to a person. I was already twice born with the upanayana the rishi had performed for me, the sacred initiation of the thread that I had undergone with the sage as my guru, by which act he had become my father in yet another sense. And now, with my marriage to him, I had been reborn once again.

For, marriage is a rebirth to every woman.

In marriage, a woman gets a new father and a new mother, new brothers and sisters, new uncles, aunts and grandparents, and a new home. It is like being born again.

But in my case I was reborn in a different sense, too. The rishi’s announcement had broken me, had killed me.

And then I was reborn again.

But the new I was completely different from the old one.

The old I was an ephemeral creature. A creature born of airy substances. Of one woman’s smile, the glow in another woman’s eyes, the gait of a third woman, the sweetness in yet another woman’s voice, someone else’s laughter. But she had no soul, no substance. She was not a person.

She was a thousand things that men found beautiful in women. Made up of a thousand things that male fantasies of women consisted of. She was the stuff of their longings, of their dreams. But she was not real, she was not a woman. She was not a person. Dreams are not persons. Fantasies of women are not women.
That day, the day the sage took me as his wife, a new I was born.

This I was made of flesh and blood. She was a person. A female person. A woman. And as a woman, she was heir to all that was real about women – not just what men found beautiful in her, not just what men fantasized about her, but all that was real about women.

A woman of flesh and blood. And an heir to all women’s heritage on the earth and the heavens.

On that day I grew roots into the earth. On that day I discovered in me arteries linked with the sky, with the air, with fire and water. I was floating in the air so far – suddenly I grew roots and these roots began nourishing me, filling me with longings I had so far never known, with thirsts that I had so far never known. It was as though I had just remembered who I was, discovered, realized, who I was and what I was meant for. I began receiving powerful, life-giving messages from deep within me, a fire was ignited in me, a fire that thirsted for many things, but above all
I had suddenly discovered great strength within me – strength and courage. The strength and courage to be what I am, the strength and courage to desire what I needed, the strength and courage to go after what I desired and to get it. I had never felt fettered before – but now I suddenly felt I had always been in fetters, fetters so fine I had never realized I was in them – and suddenly I felt free of those fetters.

With freedom came longings – longings of the earth in me. Longings of the earth that thirsted for rain, life-giving, life-sustaining, life-generating rain. When the wind blew I did not want it to be just a wind, a wind that soothed and refreshed you, that cooled you, but I wanted it to be a wind that brought seeds that would sprout into fresh life.

I had discovered my kinship with the night and the earth – the fecund night and the fecund earth.

I suddenly wanted to belong – no, not just belong, but to be thirsted for.

My insides had suddenly begun to speak to me – in the language of life, in the language of women, in the language of women everywhere – the language of passion, of dreams, of instincts and impulses…the language of the earth, the language of the night.

It seemed as though so far I was leading an ephemeral existence, living in a dream world, and suddenly I had become real.

Rishi Gautama adored me. And I hated his adorations. I hated his attentions. I hated his look. I hated his touch. His very presence grew repugnant to me. For, all the time he was with me, something deep within me whispered – this is an unholy union, this is a union that should not be. Incest – my mind screamed. This man was my guru – my guru and my father.

And yet I submitted to him. I wanted to get up and run, but I lay there, not a muscle in my body moving.

Gautama’s was an old man’s love for a young woman – the obsessive, compulsive, adoring, self-sacrificing, self-surrendering, self-effacing love.

And yet with the control developed by ages of penances, he controlled himself, restricting himself to the days and hours that tradition permitted. Sex was to be limited to the ritu period, the fourteen days following my ritual bath after my periods, that is, to those fourteen nights.

And I? While I hated his very touch with all my being, my body began longing for it with hunger in every inch of it. My muscles, my nerves, my flesh, my blood, began longing for it. I had begun living for what I hated, what I detested, more than anything else in the world. The very thought of what disgusted me more than anything else filled me with thrills. I dreaded with every cell in my body the days the rishi could take me and I longed for those days with every cell in my body. It was as though I was not one person, but two. Twin selves, twin bodies. I often wondered which of the two was more real and I knew both were equally real. The rishi had transformed me from a girl to a woman and it was that newly born woman in me that was seeking fulfillment.

I knew the fulfillment my body sought, my senses sought, my instincts and impulses sought, my existence sought, will not come through the rishi.

For, to receive that fulfillment in the arms of a man, the woman has to give herself to him – give herself to him totally and completely, freely and happily, in an act of celebration. But I couldn’t give myself to the rishi. Part of me rejected him, part of me detested him. There was no celebration in me.

Which did not prevent me from becoming a mother, though.

Continued… 2

Madayanti: The Woman Who Tore Open Her Womb

This story takes place in Ayodhya. Not in the Ayodhya of today though, but in an Ayodhya that was the glorious capital of a mighty empire. And not of the days of Rama or Dasharatha either, but at a time much before that. But it is a tale of the Ikshwakus all the same, into whose line Rama would be born later. When this story takes place, several of the Ikshwakus who would later be celebrated in our epics are yet to be born. But many legendary ones have already ruled the land and so have a few whose names the Ikshwakus would rather like to forget.

This is the tale of King Kalmashapada, whose real name was Mitrasaha Saudasa – Saudasa because he was the son of Sudasa. But it is also the story of a woman – a woman called Madayanti, who was Kalmashapada’s queen. This is the story of how and why she tore open her womb with a stone, though she still gave birth to Ashmaka, the next king of the Ikshwakus. This is also the story of how a king tried to atone for his sins by offering his queen’s body to the man he had wronged. The Mahabharata tells us this story in detail, as do Valmiki’s Ramayana and the puranas briefly, though the versions, as always, differ from each other in some respects and the passage of time – several millennia – has altered the story itself, as each narrator told it the way he felt it should be told.

Kalmashapada, the Mahabharata tells us, was a happy king and a glorious one. He had a prosperous kingdom, a beautiful wife whom he loved dearly and who loved him equally and he enjoyed the kingdom and the wife thoroughly. Then one day he met Shakti, son of the sage Vasishtha, on a mountain path.

Both a kingdom and a beautiful wife could be intoxicating. The old sages say youth, wealth, power and impetuousness, each of these could cause a disaster – then what to speak of when all the four join together? Probably Kalmashapada had all four of them – and that could truly be disastrous.

Kalmashapada’s encounter with Shakti was disastrous. Coming across the sage’s young son on that narrow mountain path, the arrogant king asked Shakti to move out of his way. Shakti refused. He was the eldest son of Vasishtha, the greatest sage of the age. He was a brahmana. And perhaps in his mind he too was proud of his recent achievement – he too had a young, pretty wife who was on the way to becoming a mother. Shakti pointed out that he was a brahmana and a brahmana always had the right of way before a king. He was nice to begin with – though his tone was perhaps that of a brahmana educating an ignorant king.

Kalmashapada would have none of it, though. He was the master of the land and as such everyone within its boundaries was his subject, which included the brahmanas, sages, all. Perhaps he had in his mind that it was he who fed the brahmanas – they lived on what the king gave them and what his subjects gave them.

Eventually the words became rough, the Mahabharata tells us, each shouting at the other “You get out my way” and “You do that”. And then, in a moment of extreme rage and supreme arrogance, Kalmashapada lifted a whip and lashed the sage’s young son with it. Again and again and again. Shakti, now wild with pain and anger, did what angry sages and brahmanas always did. He cursed Kalmashapada. “A brute you are, behaving like a rakshasa. And for this, I curse you. May you become a rakshasa.”
The curse turned Kalmashapada into a rakshasa – a cannibal. “Now that you have cursed me and made me a cannibal, I’ll begin with you,” said the king and with that he killed Shakti and ate him. From then on, his life is that of a cannibal.

The Mahabharata tells us of another power struggle going on at this time – that between Vishwamitra, until recently a king, and Vasishtha, the sage. In their first encounter, Vishwamitra’s royal power had been defeated by the sagely power of Vasishtha. Ever since Vishwamitra had been trying to break Vasishtha – break his spiritual power by wrecking his life and forcing him to react violently. Vishwamitra reaches the spot where the altercation between Shakti and Kalmashapada was going on. He hears them fighting. And when he hears the curse, he senses his opportunity. He invokes the spirit of a rakshasa and asks him to enter the cursed king. His actions from then on are as much a result of the curse as because of the presence of the spirit of the rakshasa in him, who is guided by Vishwamitra and does all that could be done to reduce Vasishtha’s power.

Soon after eating up Shakti, the Mahabharata tells us, Kalmashapada also ate up all his ninety-nine brothers. A story that suggests that the clash between Shakti and Kalmashapada perhaps has a past history. For, it is not likely that Kalmashapada eats up all the brothers of Shakti for a crime committed by Shakti. He can’t hope to spite Shakti with that action since Shakti is already dead. But this becomes possible if his enmity was with the father – with Vasishtha.

Perhaps Kalmashapada’s enmity was really with Vasishtha. The clash with Shakti perhaps was only an outcrop of that enmity. Perhaps it was because Shakti was the hated Vasishtha’s son that Kalmashapada refused to give him way and later whipped him. He was perhaps taking out his anger with the father on the son. Otherwise in the days which we are discussing, it is unthinkable that a king would whip a brahmana, that too a sage’s son.

The ancient texts also tell us that Vasishtha was Kalmashapada’s purohita, his priest and spiritual guide. And also that Vishwamitra had for some while been coveting that position. Perhaps the king and his purohita had parted ways in those days and Kalmashapada was furious with Vasishtha for some reason.

In fact, in one of the versions of the story, it is not Shakti who curses Kalmashapada and turns him into a rakshasa, but Vasishtha himself. Which should explain why Kalmashapada took his vengeance by eating up Shakti and all the other sons of Vasishtha.

According to this version, given in the Uttara Kanda of the Valmiki Ramayana, Kalmashapada’s name was Veerasaha Saudasa. Once, out hunting, he comes across two rakshasas in a forest. The rakshasas have eaten up all the animals of the forest, assuming the form of tigers. Saudasa kills one of the rakshasas and the other vows revenge.

Years later Saudasa becomes the king of Ayodhya and he, under the protection of Vasishtha, conducts an ashwamedha that lasts several years. On the last day of the sacrifice, the rakshasa finds his opportunity. He assumes the form of Vasishtha and coming to Saudasa tells him that since it is the concluding day of the sacrifice he would like meat to be served to him in his meal. The king instructs his cooks to cook meat, but they are confused. Meat for Vasishtha – they are not able to understand that. The rakshasa takes advantage of the confusion of the cooks and entering the kitchen in the guise of one of them, prepares not just meat, but human flesh itself, and brings this along with the rest of the meal to the king. Saudasa with great devotion offers the meal to Vasishtha and the sage, recognising the flesh, curses the king and changes him into a rakshasa for the sin of offering him a meal fit only for rakshasas.

The king, in a fury at the injustice of it, also takes up water in his palm and empowering it with mantras, gets ready to curse Vasishtha too in turn. But queen Madayanti stops him from this sin, telling him that he shouldn’t curse a brahmana. Since the empowered water cannot be wasted, she requests him to sprinkle it on his own feet. He does it – and his feet turn spotted. It is then Saudasa gets the name Kalmashapada, says the Uttarakanda. Kalmashapada means spotted-feet.

Vasishtha does offer release to the king from the curse – at the end of twelve years. But there is no reason why this should have satisfied him. For no fault of his a rash Vasishtha had taken away twelve years of his life and turned the mighty Ikshwaku into such a wretched creature. It is possible that as rakshasa nature took over, as he sank into spiritual darkness, he began seeking revenge and ate up all the sons of Vasishtha.

Vasishtha endures the pain of the death of all his sons – the Mahabharata text tells us. But not for long. Soon he is so pained by it that he decides to commit suicide. His first attempt is to kill himself by throwing himself down from the top of Mount Sumeru. The rocks at the bottom turn soft like cotton, the text tells us, and receive him gently. Next he walks into a roaring fire, again the text tells us, and the fire turns cool and leaves him unscathed. These failures do not ignite the desire to live in the heart of the sage. He next throws himself into the violent sea, with a boulder tied to his neck. The waves pick him up and gently deposit him on the shore and retreat. Admitting his failure, he goes back to his ashram. Death has refused to oblige him.

The rainy season revives his agony again. And when he sees a swollen river in spate, cutting away its banks and carrying mighty trees down with it, the sage decides to make another attempt at suicide. And to make sure he dies, the sad old man ties up his limbs with ropes before he casts himself into the torrent. But once again he is defeated. The river breaks the ropes and frees him, and then carries him back to the shores. The river that did this will from then on be known as the one who freed the sage from his ropes – Vipasha.

His torment does not allow the sage to stay in one place any more. He becomes a wanderer, spending his time in the wild, on the mountains and in the plains, on the banks of lakes and rivers, in jungles and other areas away from human habitation. Once again he sees a river that tempts him – a mighty Himalayan torrent filled with monstrous crocodiles. The river refuses to accept the sin of killing the sage and instead, splits herself into a hundred streams – and becomes the Shatadru. Shata, meaning hundred.
The sage now returns once again to his ashram. He has no desire to live, but he knows his attempts to kill himself are in vain.

On the way something beautiful happens. He meets Shakti’s widow Adrishyanti close to the ashram and learns from her that she is expecting a child – his grandson, someone to continue the family line. But before he has time to relish the news fully, he sees Kalmashapada the rakshasa standing in front of him, with a staff raised in his hand. Adrishyanti screams seeing death before her, and seeks refuge behind a calm Vasishtha.

Vasishtha does not reduce Kalmashapada to ashes with a curse – perhaps he feels this has all gone on far enough. He decides to release the king from his curse. And does so by sprinkling water empowered with mantras on him. Kalmashapada comes out of the curse.

This again suggests the possibility that it was he who had cursed Kalmashapada originally. Though a sage of the stature of Vasishtha can perhaps release a man from another’s curse, it is usually only the one who gave the curse who has the power to withdraw it. Perhaps it was he who had cursed Kalmashapada initially, not Shakti. Perhaps it was him that Kalmashapada had slighted earlier, not Shakti. After all, Vasishtha was his guru, and a clash between an arrogant king and his kulaguru is not an impossibility, especially with someone like Vishwamitra very keen about it.

Kalmashapada too has had enough of all this. He has learnt his lesson. He makes the conciliatory gesture. He wants to atone. He tells the sage – “I want the next man on the throne of Ayodhya to be born of you.” This will be atonement both for his arrogance and for killing all the sage’s sons. Atonement for his arrogance because there is nothing more humiliating for a man – and much more so for a king – than to have to offer his wife’s body to another man. Atonement for killing the sage’s sons, for this is the greatest gift the king can make by way of amendment – the sage’s son shall inherit the throne of Ayodhya.

Incidentally, with this there will no more be any Ikshwaku blood in the Ikshwakus. The future Ikshwakus will be the descendants of this queen, whose relation with the Ikshwakus is not natal, but through marriage, and that of the sage, who is not an Ikshwaku. The future Ikshwakus will not be Ikshwakus really, just as in the Mahabharata neither of the parties fighting for the throne of the Bharatas will be a Bharata by blood, since neither Dhritarashtra nor Gandhari, nor Kunti nor the parents of the Pandava children, had any Bharata blood in them. Rama, known as the greatest of the Ikshwakus, will not be an Ikshwaku by blood descent, not by aurasa descent, as they used to say in those days, but only by what is known as kshetraja descent. He is linked to the Ikshwakus by the fact that he is a descendent of theirs through the child born in the kshetra, ‘field’, of Kalmashapada, though not fathered by him. He will inherit his gene pool not from an Ikshwaku – it will have to be traced back to Vasishtha across generations.

Kalmashapada requests Vasishtha to do niyoga in his queen and takes him with him to his palace. There he asks his wife Madayanti to receive the sage in her bed. This is how the next Ikshwaku is born.

His name is Ashmaka.

The Mahabharata tells us that a pregnant Madayanti picked up a stone and with it hit her swollen womb – again and again and again. Tearing her womb open. And bringing forth the child who was later named Ashmaka – ashma or ashman meaning stone.

The queen perhaps dies in the process.

~00~

The Mahabharata tells us that it was because of the inordinate delay in the birth of the child that Madayanti hit her stomach with the stone. That the pregnancy had been going on and on and she grew impatient and did it.

I do not believe it.

I believe that Madayanti hated her swollen stomach. Hated the act that lead to her swollen stomach. Hated the child growing in her womb. And wanted to destroy it – even if in the process she herself would be killed.

The act through which that pregnancy was created – it could create insane hatred, intense loathing and self-repugnance.

Women do not enjoy being reduced to mere female bodies – bodies that can bring forth. The epics tell us so again and again.

Bali, the great emperor, fascinated by the sage Deerghatamas, asked his wife Sudeshna to offer her body to him. Instead, she sent her maid to the blind old sage. Just as Ambika did later, in the Mahabharata. Ambika had to be persuaded with the great difficulty for the first niyoga – impregnation by someone other than her husband – but she did it, partly because of the desperate need, because Hastinapura urgently needed a king and there was none. Partly because of guilt – she had failed to give Vichitraveerya a child, an heir to the throne, and it is overindulgence with her and her sister that had killed him. And partly because she expected either the handsome, mighty Bheeshma, the greatest hero of the times, in her bed, and if not him, then one of his cousins – certainly not the sage. But in spite of all this she had been reluctant. And the second time she was asked to submit herself to the ordeal, she sent a maid in her place. Ambalika did not enjoy the niyoga either. In Kunti’s case, she had to be persuaded again and again by her husband before she submitted herself to it.

Apparently, women do not enjoy being treated on a par with animals.

In none of the other niyogas we know of, there is any proof that the women enjoyed the experience. Sex with a husband is one thing, sex with a lover is one thing, sex with a paramour is one thing – but sex without desire, without the bond of love, is a totally different experience.

The king simply asked her to receive the sage in her bed. He was atoning. But it was she who had to pay the price.

For twelve years she had waited for him to be released from the curse, waited devotedly, while he roamed the jungles feeding on human flesh. Then she heard that the king’s curse had ended and he was returning, and waited for him with breathless eagerness, with deep love. She must have prayed all those twelve years for his release from the curse and for his return. But when he comes, he comes bringing his, their, kulaguru with him and straight away asks her to receive the sage in her bed. In atonement for his sin.

Her shock must have been great. She submits to the king’s will. To his order. And then she hates herself for submitting to such an act, hates the king for ordering that, and hates the kulaguru for performing it. She is enraged at the desecration of her body, of her womb. And is repulsed by what is growing in her womb.

The kulaguru has the same position as that of a father – only superior. Guru was universally considered like a father in those days in India, as we do even today. And having to undergo that experience with him – that must have been unimaginable for her. And yet she did it. She submits to the king’s will. And ends up hating all people responsible for it, ends up hating herself. Ends up hating her pregnancy, the child growing in her womb. A child produced in her womb by someone who was not her lover, who was not her husband, but someone she looked upon as a father. Someone whom she had revered like a father ever since she came to live in Ayodhya as the young queen of Kalmashapada.

And she picks up that stone, and hits her womb again and again, thud, thud, thud, screaming in agony, crushing her insides, tearing her stomach open, tearing her womb open, spilling its contents out. And perhaps dies in the process.

The child lives, though.

The king has atoned. The next Ikshwaku on the throne will be the aurasa son of Vasishtha, Vasishtha’s flesh and blood.

The Mahabharata tells us this part of the story differently, though. According to it, it was not in atonement for his sins that Kalmashapada offers Madayanti to Vasishtha. It is because he was incapable of producing a child in her. He has been rendered incapable by a curse.

The same curse as Pandu receives later in the Mahabharata from the sage Kindama. And almost for the same reasons. Pandu receives the curse from Kindama because he killed the sage while the sage was engaged in sex, while he was in the middle of the sex act. And Kindama curses Pandu that he too will die in the sexual act – that if he ever touched his wife, if he ever had sex with her, he would die immediately. A curse that comes true later because Pandu is not able to resist the temptation when he sees his beautiful wife one spring morning when the whole earth is bathed in glory, when the whole nature is celebrating the festival of life, of creation. Pandu has sex with Madri in spite of her protests, and she perhaps gives in, in spite of the knowledge of the consequences, seeing his pain, his agony, his helplessness, and he dies in the act.
Kalmashapada too is cursed, the Mahabharata tells us, with the same curse. But not by a sage but by a brahmani. By a woman.

According to this story, the brahmani Angirasi was in the jungle, making love to her husband. They were in the middle of their lovemaking when they see Kalmashapada the rakshasa approaching. They separate and flee. But Kalmashapada catches hold of the brahmana. The brahmani too stops. She begs the rakshasa to spare her husband – her reason: she has not yet achieved satisfaction. She tells him that, adding that she was doing it for begetting a child and now that child will never be, so please spare the man. Kaslmashapada refuses to listen to her and tearing him to pieces before her eyes, eats him up. The brahmani prepares a chita, a pyre, and enters it, killing herself. Before dying she curses Kalmashapada – you have caught and killed my husband while we were in the act of love. For this, if you ever touch your wife, you too shall die immediately. It is because of this curse that Kalmashapada is forced to offer his wife’s body to the sage – that is what the Mahabharata tells us.

There are a lot that is discordant in this version.

We are told that immediately on being released from the curse Kalmashapada made the request to Vasishtha to beget a son in his wife. This is rather strange. A man who has been changed into a rakshasa, when he is released from the curse, the first thing he does is request his guru, his kulapurohita, to beget a son in his wife. This seems extremely unlikely. That cannot be his first concern.

But it becomes likely if he was atoning for his sin. If he had insulted Vasishtha for some reason, and Vasishtha had changed him into a rakshasa, and as an act of revenge he had eaten up all of Vasishtha’s children, and yet Vasishtha had released him from the curse – then in gratitude and in atonement, he makes that request and offers his wife to the sage: this seems more likely. It becomes more likely even if it was not Vasishtha he had insulted, even if it was not Vasishtha who had cursed him, but Shakti. For nothing could be done now about what was done to Shakti, he was dead. And by insulting Shakti first and then killing and eating him up, as well as killing and eating up all the other sons of Vasishtha, Kalmashapada had wronged more Vasishtha than Shakti himself and now he wants to atone, he wants to express his gratitude to the sage for releasing him from the abominable curse – that is understandable. If it is not an act of atonement, an expression of his gratefulness, it is not likely that this will the first thing that Kalmashapada does immediately on his release from the curse. And the texts tell us that immediately on his release, Kalmashapada made this request, made this offer, and took Vasishtha to the palace for this express purpose.

Add to this the fact that Kalmashapada had believed he would never be released from rakshasahood. He did believe so and he tells as much – in the story of Uttanka that appears in the Ashwamedhika Parva of the Mahabharata. There Kalmashapada tells him that he does not see an end to his miseries – neither in this world nor in the worlds to come. Kalmashapada’s relief at the release from the curse must have been immense. And in the immensity of his relief, he must have wanted to atone and must have made that offer to the sage. I do not think it was as much a request that Kalmashapada made to Vasishtha as an offer. An offer atoning for his sins. It was not because he was prevented by a curse from touching his wife that he made that offer but because he wanted to atone.

It was also an act of surrender – an act of admission of the superiority of the sage to him, of the sage’s spiritual powers to his royal power. Surrender he had made even before his release from the curse, while he was still a rakshasa, as he admits to Uttanka. He tells him: “No king can be stable in his power in this world nor happy in his future worlds after antagonising brahmanas”. [Mb Ashwa 58/8] Defeat rings throughout Kalmashapada’s words in this chapter of the Mahabharata.

Also, the brahmani story sounds too much like something added later to the main story to justify Kalmashapada’s heinous crime of offering his wife’s body to another for sex and procreation. The brahmani in the story is not really angry with the rakshasa for killing her man – her anger is more at killing him before they have finished the sex act! The story tells us very clearly that she tells him two things – one, that her sexual act has not reached its culmination, that she has not yet reached satisfaction; and second, that she was doing it with him for the purpose of procreation and now that procreation will not be possible. It is as though she does not care for her husband, as though her only interests are in sexual satisfaction and in begetting a child, for both of which the man is a tool and her anger is at the loss of that tool. It reads as though if Kalmashapada had killed the brahmana just a little later, after they had reached their climax and she had reached satisfaction, and after she had been inseminated, then she wouldn’t have minded the killing. The curse itself makes this more clear. The wording of the curse specify that if Kalmashapada touched his wife during her receptive period, then he would die. If he had sex with her when she is in her ritu [patneem rtau anuprapya], then he would die.

It is as though it is begetting a child in his wife that the brahmani’s curse prevents, not sex per se. That sounds very much like a story added to justify Kalmashapada’s offering his wife to Vasishtha. I am inclined to reject the story as a later addition with this specific purpose. Whoever added the story to the text knew the enormity of the act of Kalmashapada – and he wanted to mollify it, to soften it, by justifying it by saying that Kalmashapada had no choice, a niyoga was absolutely necessary.

There is another reason why I suspect the story of Angirasi. The Kalmashapada we see in the Uttanka story in the Ashwamedhika Parva is what we would call a perfect gentleman, in spite of being a cannibal. Uttanka goes in search of him so that he can ask for Madayanti’s kundalas, which he wants to offer his gurupatni as his gurudakshina. Uttanka meets him in the jungle and when he does, it is the sixth-part of the day, which is the time for him to have his meal of human flesh, as he himself tells Uttanka while welcoming him arrival, and he is very hungry. And yet Kalmashapada does not gobble him up immediately. Instead, when he is told about the reason for his arrival, Kalmashapada leaves him off to go to Madayanti. He gives him time to complete his purpose when the brahmana promises that he will come back to him afterwards to be eaten by him. Again, when Madayanti asks for a proof that he is really coming from Kalmashapada, Uttanka goes back to Kalmashapada seeking the proof – the rakshasa does not eat him this time either. Then, after getting the kundalas, the brahmana comes to Kalmashapada a third time – this time seeking answer to a question he has about the meaning of the message Kalmashapada had sent to the queen through him by way of proof. Again the rakshasa does not eat him. Besides, Uttanka now asks Kalmashapada another question – what is good for him, to come back to Kalmashapada or not to come back after he has completed his errand? And the rakshasa tells him plainly – not to come back, for if he came back, he will certainly eat him. A hungry Kalmashapada lets the brahmana go, knowing full well he will not come back. This is not the man who will catch hold that brahmana engaged in sex with his wife and eat him up, while his wife pleaded for his life.

Also, even if a niyoga is necessary, one’s guru, one’s kulapurohita, is not the right person to do that, certainly not the first choice. Perhaps a guru is the last person to approach for this purpose since a guru is like a father both to the king and to the queen.
In the Mahabharata, Satyavati asks Vyasa to do niyoga – initially in Ambika and then later in Ambalika, both wives of Vichitraveerya. Vyasa is a renowned sage at that time – speaking of him proudly his mother tells Bheeshma – the renowned sage who has codified the four Vedas, he is my son. She is embarrassed to make this confession of giving birth to a child while still unmarried, but she is proud of Vyasa, of the fact that he is a great sage.

But Vyasa is asked to perform the niyoga not because he is a sage but because he is a half-brother to Vichitraveerya and therefore the first choice for performing niyoga, exactly as Bheeshma is, whom she first approaches though he refuses, citing his vow to remain an oordhvareta, a celibate, as the reason. Bheeshma is Vichitraveerya’s half brother because they have the same father, and Vyasa because they have the same mother. So it is because Vyasa is Ambika’s and Ambalika’s devar [Sanskrit: dvivara, meaning second husband, husband-alternative, levirate] that Satyavati asks him to do the niyoga.

When Deerghatamas is asked by Bali to do the niyoga in his wife Sudeshna, Deerghatamas is a sage all right, again, but not his guru, not his priest. He had just been brought to the capital rescued from the river.

Vasishtha the kulaguru was certainly not the first choice and yet the first thing that Kalmashapada asks after being released from the curse is to beget a child in his wife – a child who will sit on the throne of Ayodhya and whose descendants will be the future kings of Ayodhya for all time to come. No, the story of the curse of the brahmani does not ring true. An act of atonement definitely does. For Kalmashapada, there is no more humiliating way of punishing himself that that request he makes, that offer he makes.
Whatever the reason, from the standpoint of Madayanti, Kalmashapada’s queen, the story is just one: her husband, her king, offers her body to another man. It is only the body that is offered, not her. For she does not become Vasishtha’s wife, but continues to be Kalmashapada’s wife. Had he offered her as a wife to the sage, to be his forever, perhaps it would have been less humiliating to her. She is just given to the sage for the sexual act, for procreating a child in, and that could be very, very humiliating for any woman. She submits to the king’s will, offers her body to the sage for that demeaning act, hating him for what he is doing, hating her man for what he is making her do, hating herself for what she is permitting to be done to her. She must perhaps have wondered why she did not kill herself before she allowed that act to take place. And then, as she watches her stomach bulge, the child in her womb grow, her determination grows, her fury becomes blinding, and in a moment of supreme will, she decides to end herself and the product of sin in her womb. The child survives, though, and we are told nothing of what happened to her – perhaps there is nothing to tell.

One of the saddest parts of this story is that Kalmashapada does not feel any need to consult her before offering her body to the sage. He feels no need to discuss it with her. He makes that offer the moment he is released from the curse when he is yet to meet her.

Kalmashapada feels no need to consult her, to discuss it with her. As though her part is only to beget children for him and how those children were conceived was no concern of it. She belonged to him, her body belonged to him, her womb was his – she was his kshetra, his field. Her body, her womb was his kshetra, his field. They did not belong to her, but to him. To be used for his purposes. To be used as he pleased. What seeds he wanted to sow there would be decided by him, not by her.

He had the right to inseminate her any way he wished, just as he had the right to inseminate his cows by any bull he wished.

It is not that Kalmashapada does not love her. He does. But that does not mean he does not own her, cannot offer her body whom he pleased.

Perhaps Kalmashapada’s offering her body to the sage is as much an act of a rakshasa as his eating human flesh had been, though he was unaware of the cruelty of what he was doing.

Interestingly, if anyone doubts that there is something foul in all this, we have the Mahabharata itself to tell us that we are not the first to be shocked by this. Others before us have considered this an act of sin. Arjuna, who is told this story by the yaksha Chitraratha, is shocked by it, though his shock is at Vasishtha’s acceptance of the offer than at Kalmashapada’s offer. He perhaps believed, like Kalmashapada, that a wife is a husband’s property – while he had doubted the morality of Yudhishthira’s act of wagering Draupadi in the dice hall, he had never doubted that he had the right to do that. He had also agreed to share Draupadi with his brothers, as though she was a thing to be shared and not a person.

Arjuna is shocked by Vasishtha’s acceptance of the offer. And he asks Chitraratha in dismay, in outrage, how a sage like Vasishtha could accept that offer, do something like that, when Vasishtha knows clearly what should be done and what shouldn’t [Janata vai param dharmam vasishthena mahatmana… Mb. Adi 181/2]. This is agamya-gamana, says Arjuna – proscribed sex, sinful sex, ‘entering a forbidden woman’. Arjuna uses the word adharma to describe the act.

~00~

The story of Kalmashapada is a story of worldly power bending its knees before spiritual power. It is a story of braahma, spiritual power, winning a victory over kshaatra, material power. It is a story of a kshatriya being humbled by a brahmana.

Kalmashapada’s defeat is also Vishwamitra’s defeat – Vishwamitra the kshatriya’s defeat before Visishtha the brahmana.

But it is also the story of a woman being used as an object – used as an object in one of the most humiliating acts possible, if not the most humiliating act. An ugly act in which woman becomes a pawn in a power-play between men and is reduced to an object – a sexual object.

The woman strikes back in the only way it is possible for her to strike back – by killing herself, and by trying to kill the child in her womb.

The tragedy is that she fails in that too. She fails in killing that child – the child so begotten on her, the child that will forever establish Vasishtha’s blood on the throne of Ayodhya, the child that will from then on forever will be the sign of the humiliation of the Ikshwakus.

Perhaps she succeeds in one thing – in killing herself.

Good for her, perhaps.

~00~

There are a few other interesting sides to the Kalmashapada story. Like the one in which a brahmana comes to him asking for a meal with meat, and to whom Kalmashapada orders his cook to serve human flesh.

It is also interesting that all the people who cause harm to Kalmashapada in this story are brahmanas – Vasishtha, Shakti, the brahmana who asks for meat in his meal, and the brahmani Angirasi and her husband, all. Uttanka, too, is a brahmana. Natural perhaps, considering that this is really a story of the struggle between spiritual or brahmanical power, and royal power.

O0O

My Friend Ebhrashi

Ignorance is Bliss.

My friend Ebhrashi had just got engaged to a beautiful girl who had an identical twin. I asked Ebhrashi, “How do you tell them apart?”

Ebhrashi said, “I don’t try to.”

O0O

Ebhrashi had always felt his nose was ugly. He went for a nose job to the plastic surgeon. He asked the surgeon, “How much will it cost?”

“About two lakhs,” said the doctor.

Ebhrashi was silent for a minute. Then he asked, “Supposing I bring my own plastic?”

O0O

Late one evening Ebhrashi came home and found his wife in the arms of another man in their bedroom. “I am going to hack him to pieces,” screamed Ebhrashi, rushing out of the room. “Where is the hacking knife?”

His wife jumped out of the bed and ran after him. She caught hold of him and shouted, “Don’t be a fool! You have been out of work for months. Where do you think the money came from for the new clothes I bought for you recently? And for the new sofa set in the drawing room and the new curtains? Did you believe I made all that money from my sewing?”

Ebhrashi wrenched himself free from his wife’s grip. As he was rushing toward the storeroom, his wife yelled, “No hacking knife, you idiot!”

“Who wants a hacking knife?” Ebhrashi shouted back, without stopping.
“I am getting a blanket. The poor man might catch a cold lying naked there.”

O0O

Ebhrashi’s son was a chip of the old block. During a parent-teacher meeting, his teacher told Ebhrashi’s wife. “Your son is intelligent, but he is interested only in one thing – girls. He spends all his time fooling around with them. But don’t worry. I am working on a plan to change him.”

“Good,” said Ebhrashi’s wife. “Let me know if it works. I want to try it out on his father.”

O0O

Ebhrashi had taken a girl to the movies. Of course, they were not interested in the movies. The two talked away excitedly, and after a while the man sitting behind them lost his patience. Tapping Ebhrashi on the shoulder, the man said, “Excuse me, but I can’t hear a thing.”

“Well,” fumed Ebhrashi, “this is not meant for you. This is a private conversation.”

O0O

Ebhrashi was giving advice to a young colleague in the office, who was about to get married. “The first ten years are the hardest,” he told the young man.

“How long have you been married?” asked the youth.

“Ten years,” said Ebhrashi.

O0O

This is from the courtship days of Ebhrashi.

Ebhrashi had slipped quietly into his girlfriend’s room one evening. He sat there whispering sweet nothings to her, quietly so that they wouldn’t be heard. After a while he heard the clocking striking nine, then ten and then eleven.

“How fast time flies when I am with you,” said Ebhrashi passionately.

“Don’t be a fool!” said his girlfriend. “That’s Father setting the clock.”

O0O

The Single Crow Cawing

I woke up early today
When it was still dark
Hearing a single crow cawing outside
Perched on the electric pole.
It kept cawing and cawing
All alone
For a long time
And I was worried –
Will the sun come up
If only one crow cawed?
Fortunately, other crows joined him after a while
And I knew there was no reason to worry any more
Soon the sun will come up in the eastern sky.

O0O

Eearly morning, October 11, 2009

Living Gita 43: In Praise of Karma Yoga

  A series of articles on the Bhagavad Gita for people living and working in our volatile, uncertain, complex and ambiguous times filled wit...